Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
