My room smells like vodka and shame
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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