dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
my poor anus
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
