plz talk dirty to me
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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