this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
