i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
