I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
