I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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