Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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