4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I heard we made out
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Mom said you looked used
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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