grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
