I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
