I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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