If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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