I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
