So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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