I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize