Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
