I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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