I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
