Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
