girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
