wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
