hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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