My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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