Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
