Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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