Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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