So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
