This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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