i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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