Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
All the doctor said was why
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
