I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
