My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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