his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
