Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
