Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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