I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
