You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
