I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
