is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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