Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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