Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
