I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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