I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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