Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
