forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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