I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
