Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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