Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm always down for nudity.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
