I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
This is my life. Enjoy the view
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize