38 yer olds are good kisserssss
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize