So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
