ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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