That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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