Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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