i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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