i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
