i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
